Complete panic set in, I imagined the worst and I yelled at someone for something that had not even happened yet. Past experiences flooded my memory and the need to prevent getting hurt overwhelmed me. I was for a moment, in the war zone.
Living with PTSD is often difficult to manage, I’ve learned to recognize triggers and manage them. At least I thought I had, now that I’ve had a major episode today, clearly I have neglected to manage certain triggers.
Failing to manage triggers makes me feel like I am my own enemy. So here I go again, Step 1 breathe. I need to completely refocus all of my energy on a healthy mind. I recognized the triggers becoming overwhelming and instead of standing firm, I folded.
When someone close refuses to hear my pleas for a solution do I really have to cut them out of my life?
This question has gone unresolved for too long now. I am hurt and I am sad, I don’t want to be resentful anymore or feel so defensive all the time.
Then, yes, I am not my own enemy!
This is going to be tough and I am not sure I can do it. I want to live a peaceful life, I want to feel safe and secure in my home. I don’t thinks that’s asking too much.
Another thing, I don’t like the who I become when I am feeling attacked or exposed. Yes, exposed. I feel entitled to have private conversations within my household. Being recorded and my conversation broadcasted, offends me. In my own home.
God, I turn to you utterly ashamed of myself, I want to do what is right and just. I have the desire to pass this cup in your name and plead my commitment is eternal. I just know you understand though, I know you have been here with me. You saw my contributions as well. Thank You for forgiving me Heavenly Father, my comfort is in you.