I’m not without fault

The sun’s shining and somebody that loves me called earlier.  I do feel confidence in that someone thought of me to talk to when they needed to confide in another human.  They appreciate discretion and know I do as well. I feel good this day, I deserve feeling at ease in my home.Still defensive, rigid, and easily provoked over recent events which tore this place apart. Not physically. There’s no apparent damage to see.

On my pedastal

I know what I have done in creating this chaos as I recall several occasions reaching out to accept qualified counsel, alone. Maintaining treatment plans and being accountable on my own.

I failed to appreciate, according to you… (Blame)

I know you paid for all of it and I’ll always appreciate the strong work ethic that was necessary to provide for you and me. I know you believe your crusade has a valid complaint against me, but the mission isn’t inline with both our desired results. In fact your the architect in developing the barriers both of us may fail to break. That’s my excuse anyway.

The cowardly way I choose

Instead of continuing along a journey that’s been full of your audacious demands where humility has been spared: I choose another path.I am ashamed of things which I admit had no valuable purpose yet I gave in too fear, that turned to anger, leading to rage, now it seems to have utterly anialated the ever after we supposedly sought in one another.

Oh my defensive nature overcomes. I see my own failure, again. And because I don’t believe you will accept your responsibility as my partner, please. Just let me be if fixing me is the only choice you can make. I have adjusted myself to be more present and participated on levels of complete submission to your demands, as I understood them.

Communication

I actually have comprehensive abilities of outstanding measures in communicating with others, yet I can not read minds or translate passive aggressive gestures.

Conflict

I’m defensive for allowing you privileges to gather ammunition. Now your intentions are clear and my will is to retreat and cover myself. No more battling against an enemy your enabling.

My reluctant decision

I want to address this last concern of mine.  I am in full and complete knowledge of your contributions to financial matters. I know that you will no longer pay my way. I know you would like me to believe I’m crazy for refusing your gracious contributions however judgement and Grace are unable to exist in one place or moment including the union of souls. But I’m too afraid of continuing on as your partner.

God knows my heart

Marriage means more than finding someone to stand beside with a preacher’s signature the tie that binds. You failed to accept the bounds I believed should be placed, I must have failed too recognize any attempts on your part. I accused you of And you know how I felt about the loose foundation I helped build upon. 

Yes, I see my faults contributed equally.

I’m just not strong enough.

I am not worried with pride in this matter nor the opinion of a church your even less committed too. I do not give organized religion the authority of God!

Diamonds in His Image

The body of Christ dwells in Me and you. That’s how we chose Weekend to remember. That’s where our efforts gave out and just like that we ignored the advice we asked for.

“It takes more courage to reveal insecurities than to hide them, more strength to relate to people than to dominate them, more ‘manhood’ to abide by thought-out principles rather than blind reflex. Toughness is in the soul and spirit, not in muscles and an immature mind.”

– Alex Karras

Let’s Make a Plan

There’s no team so the planning party didn’t require any extra effort. My budget says “you can’t do this!!!”, so that’s been moved to a future date and will be reevaluated.

Here’s a tentative plan of action: Smile. Smile anyway. Leave this apartment by 10 each morning and find something to do for at least 2 hours. Continue smiling. When returning home take at least 30 mins to reflect and journal, paying attention to any moments my smile was maintained effortlessly. Make a phone call to a loved one each day between 3 and 8 minding anger by replacing moments of mouth arrest with “Bless your heart, oh no my pho……click”. Take a bath everyday and get plenty of sleep each night. Drink plenty of water and eat for nurture beware of passively snacking for comfort. Each day add a half hour of organizing clutter to my general tidying tasks.

Whew, DO NOT FORGET TO PRAY, each night before bed make a gratitude list. I almost left that out.

What can I expect from implementing this course of action,
selfreliance
confidence
self awareness
healing

Anger and Grief

I confess, I have an anger issue that needs my prompt and immediate attention.

I get offended and it begins, I expect an apology with adequate amends, when no amends are offered I become distant and bitter. If ever a living amends are made, I can accept it and anger gives way to forgiveness. Of course this specifically applies to my circle of influence. Being offended by strangers well that’s no longer an issue of mine as I choose to walk away when I can.

Now, how can this issue be resolved? It would help if no one offended me. However, my circle includes multiple individuals with a lot of opinions. Keeping my mouth shut, resolves nearly all potential anger issues, in fact my voice is a clear indicator of an issue arising. In any situation my mouth is seldom the solution.

So, I’m going to keep my mouth shut. I’m not answering any calls from the offender. I’m learning, again, the price of foolish choices. There’s so little left for me to contribute any good in this circumstance.

Note to self, I does me no good to stop “bumping my gums” and continue “bumping my thumbs”. I will not contact the offender by text or email.

This is Sunday September 27, 2020 and though my story continues part of me must be left behind. By letting go and moving on anger becomes grief and life goes on.